A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am

[neverlosemyfocus]

Once they were on the ship Siri withdrew to quarters, choosing a room that was as far as she could possibly manage from Anakin. From Obi-Wan. Krayn was dead. And while a sentient beings death never brought joy or elation, she couldn’t help but feel that his... had been an unavoidable one. It was over. After years... it was finally over. She no longer had to be Zora. She could let the persona go, release who she’d had to become to go undercover with Krayn’s organization.

No matter what she had done.

What she had had to do.

Her stomach turned, and she ran to the refresher, losing what little she’d eaten in the past seventy two hours. She felt... besmirched, filthy and unclean and as far from a Jedi as one person could possibly be. She’d done her job. She cut ties with the Order, let them say that she betrayed them, turned traitor, wormed her way into Krayn’s organization, until she was his right hand.

And now it was over.

But it wasn’t.

Three years.

Three years she’d been undercover with Krayn. She hadn’t been allowed to tell Obi-Wan when she left. And the Order didn’t bother to inform him. She’d had to let him think she’d deserted the Order. Deserted him. It had broken her heart to leave, and broken it further to know that he thought that of her. She had kept her love for him, and the heartbreak, and how much she missed him locked away, buried so deep she could barely find it...

Until the day she saw him again.

Force, why did it have to be him? Of any pair of Master and Padawan that could have crossed her path... why did it have to be them? And now, her mission was over, and she was trapped on a ship with them, as they returned to Coruscant.

Returned home.

Only she wasn’t sure she belonged there, anymore. Not with what she’d done, what she’d HAD to do, in order to maintain her cover. She didn’t know where she fit, anymore.

She hid it best she could, under sarcasm, a brittle sort of gaiety and sharp words. Irritation disguised a multitude of emotions. And she had taught herself much, during her time with Krayn. Hiding what she felt in the Force was only part of that. It was the only way she thought she might keep herself together during this trip.

Legs unsteady, she all but collapsed onto her bed, suddenly having trouble breathing. She fumbled for a pillow, curling up around it and burying her face in it as she struggled against the unexpected panic attack. She was safe here, now. She didn’t have to constantly guard herself, to watch her back every moment of every day.

She was safe.

It had been so long since she’d truly been safe that she couldn’t accept it so easily, couldn’t relax her guard. Not with everything else that had happened. She wanted this trip to be over. To learn from the Council what would come of her, and move on.

Learn how to accept what had happened between her and Obi-Wan.

Still struggling to breathe, she closed her eyes and clutched the pillow harder, as the loss of him, of missing him, filled her chest so tightly she ached with it.

Where did she go from here?

Comments

[master_kenobi]

"I..." He paused, hesitating. There was a long silence and then he pressed his palm to the door.

"I just thought..."

He stepped back from the door.

"I'm sorry. For disturbing you. I'll.... I'll go."

[neverlosemyfocus]

Kriff. She hadn’t thought her heart could break any further than it already was, but his words made it shatter.

No.

Please.

Despite her unsteadiness, the nausea turning her stomach and making it hard to breathe, she found herself on her feet, pressing the panel to open the door. Opening her mouth to say... SOMEthing, anything, the door hissed open and every word turned to ash on her tongue at the sight of him. She could do nothing more than breathe his name, the longing and anguish filling that one word more than she ever meant to show. “Obi-Wan.”

Force, what kind of Jedi was she? She’d tried so hard to bury how much she’d missed him, again, after seeing him that first time after three years. But she’d failed. Her ability to hide what she was feeling in the Force was wavering, what she was feeling too great for her control. Not that it mattered much, with him. Their Force bond had always revealed more to him than intended.

[master_kenobi]

"You're upset," he noted, pointing out the obvious. But what else was there to say? She was upset, but she hadn't come to him.

She'd run from him.

"Are you not pleased to be back?"

[neverlosemyfocus]

She almost choked on the faintly hysterical laughter trying to struggle free at his words. Upset. Upset was putting it mildly. “Of course I’m pleased to be back,” she retorted, ignoring his statement of the obvious. She forced herself to breathe. “I just-”

She’d done everything they’d asked of her, given up everything she was, WHO she was, going undercover with Krayn. For three years. Obi-Wan didn’t know what it was like, to have to become someone so vile you made yourself sick. She had done what she could, to help those Krayn kept as slaves, but she couldn’t do what she wanted to, in order to help, and she couldn’t do nearly enough. She couldn’t risk breaking her cover.

There would never be enough to make her clean, to wash the filth of Zora from her soul. She was... stained. Tainted. She didn’t know how to get back to herself. To find her place. To feel like she HAD a place. He was the first person she wanted to go to, but she couldn’t. Not after the way she’d left. After what she’d done. She’d been... afraid. Afraid that he couldn’t forgive her, that he wouldn’t be able to stand the sight of her, and run from him, instead. Her stomach turned. I’m sorry, she sent him, before spinning on her heels and running for the ‘fresher. There was nothing left for her to lose; all she could do was retch violently. She’d already expelled everything there was to expel from her body. Her appetite had been all but nonexistent for months. She’d forced herself to eat, sometimes, and kept up the appearance when she couldn’t force herself to swallow another mouthful. But it didn’t stop heaves from wracking her body.

[master_kenobi]

"I..." He stepped into the room awkwardly, because he still wasn't sure he was invited or welcome, but she was ill and he wanted to go to her. So he ended up sort of hovering halfway between the refresher and the door uncertainly.

"I...don't understand what's happening; they said your mission was a success."

[neverlosemyfocus]

She spat into the toilet in an attempt to rid her mouth of the taste of bile, before sagging bonelessly against the wall and closing her eyes. Her stomach was twisting and churning, and it was all she could do to not get violently ill for a third time. Force, she couldn’t breathe.

He didn’t understand. He couldn’t. He’d never been asked to do what she’d been asked to do. And she’d done everything they’d asked of her. Given everything she had. “It was, Obi-Wan.” Her voice was ragged, and exhausted.

[master_kenobi]

"You haven't seemed particularly pleased to see me. Have I done something wrong?" he asked, remaining in his uncomfortable limbo between the door and the refresher.

[neverlosemyfocus]

“What?” She gaped at him, stunned by his words. “FORCE, no.” Her stomach turned and she closed her eyes until the nausea passed. “You’ve done nothing wrong. I...” she turned away from him. “I’m the one who’s done something wrong,” she murmured, her voice low, ragged.

She was the one who WAS wrong.