I'm here again, a thousand parsecs away from you

[neverlosemyfocus]

This was Siri’s first time on Naboo. Despite everything; the reason she was there, the turmoil of her thoughts... she found she liked it there. It was a beautiful planet, and its being so very different from Coruscant was something she sorely needed. But it was so... quiet. On Coruscant there had always been... noise, in the Force. So many sentient beings living in one place, there was no way to avoid it. On Naboo it was... almost silent, in comparison. And it wasn’t helping matters any.

She’d been keeping to herself more than she probably should have. But she wasn’t sleeping well, and there was so much she needed to figure out in her own mind that she found herself... withdrawing. There was no need for her to intrude on Anakin and Padme’s newfound ability to be open with their relationship. Their marriage. And Obi-Wan... well, there was a lot of confusion in relation to him. Confusion she would rather keep to herself until she’d sorted it all out. If she ever sorted it out. There wasn’t really any question what they felt for each other, their attachment. That had been made perfectly clear the night they... the night she took him to her bed. The night he came to her bed. But where did that leave them?

They weren’t Jedi anymore. They’d been expelled. They were exiles. Their agreement was, essentially, null and void. And she was... she was... Just because she was with child, and Obi-Wan was the father, it didn’t mean anything. It didn’t have to mean anything.

It felt... odd, being out of her robes. Not so much not wearing them; she’d done so before. But they weren’t hers to wear anymore. She wasn’t a Jedi. She would never wear them again. And that only added to the guilt and shame and unease. When Padmé had suggested that she try the style of clothing worn on Naboo she’d leapt at it, more because she’d needed to do SOMEthing; she would need clothes, after all, and the style was something she was familiar with.

Wearing it, however, was breathtakingly different. There was so much flowing fabric, and beading, and embroidery – it was so DELICATE. She felt awkward and out of place in it, but continued to wear it anyway. She needed to adapt. To accept what was, and this was a step. One of many she needed to take.

There was an area overlooking the lake that she had taken to walking. It was quiet, and peaceful... and absolutely beautiful. As she so often did anymore, she leaned against the cool stone of the railing and pressed her hands against her stomach. There was no physical changes, yet, none that were visible; it was too early for that. But there would be, soon enough.

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[master_kenobi]

Obi-Wan had taken to walking in the Naboo wilderness every morning. He'd always found the quiet hum of the Force through nature more of a comfort than the noisy prattle of it in other beings anyway.

When he returned that morning, he saw Siri outside, leaning against the railing overlooking the lake.

It wasn't that they'd been avoiding each other...... per se. But they both had to find their feet. Neither of them knew how to live like this.

He stepped up beside her, silent, and stood looking out over the lake. Rather than lean on the rail, he stood ramrod straight, as he always had.

[neverlosemyfocus]

She found herself wondering, not for the first time, if their friendship would manage to survive this. Or would they become the distant acquaintances that they’d pretended to be, TRIED to be for so long. For their friendship to survive everything else, only to be destroyed by... by this (by her, by them)... it would be one more thing she held herself accountable for, if it happened.

It wasn’t... she couldn’t do this. It was bad enough she’d gone about everything wrong... she should give him space. Give herself space. The idea of going to look for the heretics, to learn more of what pregnancy and childbirth entailed for someone who was Force sensitive had crossed her mind more than once. It was information she would need to have. And she wouldn’t make Obi-Wan go with her; considering what his stance on the heretics probably WAS, it seemed for the best.

And maybe the time apart would be for the best, too. Give them time to really, truly find their feet. Even if the thought of being apart for such an extended period of time only made panic well up in her chest, as strong as it had been when she’d first learned of her... condition. It still might be for the best.

She didn’t know. She just... didn’t know.

She only met his eyes briefly when she looked at him, giving him a small, sad smile. Then she turned to leave; but she couldn’t stop herself from brushing her fingertips against his arm. It was the only contact she allowed herself. He shouldn’t be there. He was meant to be a Jedi; he was the best kriffing one she knew. And because of her he’d lost that.

It took all her control to not run, but she strode quickly past him. She would leave him alone for now. Let him find his footing without any more influence than what she’d already had. It was the least she could do for him.

[master_kenobi]

The faint beginnings of a smile are offered at the contact before he realizes she's leaving and his face drops to confusion and guilt. Had he done something? Well. He had done something, but...lately?

"Where are you going?" he asked her back uncertainly.

[neverlosemyfocus]

His words brought her to a halt, exhaling unsteadily. She’d hoped he would just let her go. She’d thought he would just let her go. “I don’t know.” Her voice was low. “I just...” She half-turned towards him, the guilt and confusion on his face making her ache with sorrow and guilt of her own. All she did was hurt him. Destroyed that which he held most dear. “I didn’t know if you’d want me to stay.” I wanted to give you space.

[master_kenobi]

He looked confused, more than anything. "Why wouldn't I?"

[neverlosemyfocus]

She looked at him, guilt and shame in her eyes. “After everything that I’ve cost you? Why would you want me anywhere near you.”

[master_kenobi]

"You've cost me nothing. I knew what I was doing."

[neverlosemyfocus]

“I cost you the only place you’ve ever called home. The only life you’ve ever known.”

[master_kenobi]

He shook his head. "I did that myself. How could you think that I'd blame you? You didn't force me to bed."

[neverlosemyfocus]

“Because I blame myself!” Her voice was ragged, filled with all the hurt and shame and guilt she'd been feeling since they left the Temple. “I could have handled this differently. I could have prevented you from being expelled.”

[master_kenobi]

"Spared while you suffered? How is that better?" Obi-Wan scoffed.

[neverlosemyfocus]

“You’d be happier. And ONE of us would still be a Jedi.”

[master_kenobi]

"One of us would be pretending to be a Jedi while living a lie."

[neverlosemyfocus]

“There would be no pretending. You would still be a Jedi. There would be no attachment. I would be gone and you wouldn’t know of the child, let alone be attached to them.”

[master_kenobi]

His expression hardened, his eyes fairly blazing with conviction.

"My not being complicit in the lie would not make it less of one."

[neverlosemyfocus]

She frowned at him.

“Yes, well. It wouldn’t be your lie.”

[master_kenobi]

"Neither would I be guiltless." His gaze falls to her stomach, though her condition is not yet visible to the eye. He thinks he can almost feel the child's presence.

"You think it would be better for me to never see my child than to give me the choice?"

[neverlosemyfocus]

Her gaze follows his down, to her stomach. She’s not showing, not yet, but she will be, soon enough. She has the sinking suspicion that Padmé is already planning her wardrobe for when she’s further along. Which... terrifies her, quite frankly. Everything about this terrifies her.

“I... no.” It wasn’t that she doesn’t want him in their child’s life. In her life. But she stills blames herself for the turn of events that led them to Naboo. It’s her fault they’re here. That he’s no longer a Jedi. She reaches out, hesitantly, for his arm. “I want you here.” Force, she wasn’t sure she could do this without him, as much as she hated to admit it. “But... it’s not fair to you. I should have handled things differently...”