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neverlosemyfocusOnce they were on the ship Siri withdrew to quarters, choosing a room that was as far as she could possibly manage from Anakin. From Obi-Wan. Krayn was dead. And while a sentient beings death never brought joy or elation, she couldn’t help but feel that his... had been an unavoidable one. It was over. After years... it was finally over. She no longer had to be Zora. She could let the persona go, release who she’d had to become to go undercover with Krayn’s organization.
No matter what she had done.
What she had had to do.
Her stomach turned, and she ran to the refresher, losing what little she’d eaten in the past seventy two hours. She felt... besmirched, filthy and unclean and as far from a Jedi as one person could possibly be. She’d done her job. She cut ties with the Order, let them say that she betrayed them, turned traitor, wormed her way into Krayn’s organization, until she was his right hand.
And now it was over.
But it wasn’t.
Three years.
Three years she’d been undercover with Krayn. She hadn’t been allowed to tell Obi-Wan when she left. And the Order didn’t bother to inform him. She’d had to let him think she’d deserted the Order. Deserted him. It had broken her heart to leave, and broken it further to know that he thought that of her. She had kept her love for him, and the heartbreak, and how much she missed him locked away, buried so deep she could barely find it...
Until the day she saw him again.
Force, why did it have to be him? Of any pair of Master and Padawan that could have crossed her path... why did it have to be them? And now, her mission was over, and she was trapped on a ship with them, as they returned to Coruscant.
Returned home.
Only she wasn’t sure she belonged there, anymore. Not with what she’d done, what she’d HAD to do, in order to maintain her cover. She didn’t know where she fit, anymore.
She hid it best she could, under sarcasm, a brittle sort of gaiety and sharp words. Irritation disguised a multitude of emotions. And she had taught herself much, during her time with Krayn. Hiding what she felt in the Force was only part of that. It was the only way she thought she might keep herself together during this trip.
Legs unsteady, she all but collapsed onto her bed, suddenly having trouble breathing. She fumbled for a pillow, curling up around it and burying her face in it as she struggled against the unexpected panic attack. She was safe here, now. She didn’t have to constantly guard herself, to watch her back every moment of every day.
She was safe.
It had been so long since she’d truly been safe that she couldn’t accept it so easily, couldn’t relax her guard. Not with everything else that had happened. She wanted this trip to be over. To learn from the Council what would come of her, and move on.
Learn how to accept what had happened between her and Obi-Wan.
Still struggling to breathe, she closed her eyes and clutched the pillow harder, as the loss of him, of missing him, filled her chest so tightly she ached with it.
Where did she go from here?
No matter what she had done.
What she had had to do.
Her stomach turned, and she ran to the refresher, losing what little she’d eaten in the past seventy two hours. She felt... besmirched, filthy and unclean and as far from a Jedi as one person could possibly be. She’d done her job. She cut ties with the Order, let them say that she betrayed them, turned traitor, wormed her way into Krayn’s organization, until she was his right hand.
And now it was over.
But it wasn’t.
Three years.
Three years she’d been undercover with Krayn. She hadn’t been allowed to tell Obi-Wan when she left. And the Order didn’t bother to inform him. She’d had to let him think she’d deserted the Order. Deserted him. It had broken her heart to leave, and broken it further to know that he thought that of her. She had kept her love for him, and the heartbreak, and how much she missed him locked away, buried so deep she could barely find it...
Until the day she saw him again.
Force, why did it have to be him? Of any pair of Master and Padawan that could have crossed her path... why did it have to be them? And now, her mission was over, and she was trapped on a ship with them, as they returned to Coruscant.
Returned home.
Only she wasn’t sure she belonged there, anymore. Not with what she’d done, what she’d HAD to do, in order to maintain her cover. She didn’t know where she fit, anymore.
She hid it best she could, under sarcasm, a brittle sort of gaiety and sharp words. Irritation disguised a multitude of emotions. And she had taught herself much, during her time with Krayn. Hiding what she felt in the Force was only part of that. It was the only way she thought she might keep herself together during this trip.
Legs unsteady, she all but collapsed onto her bed, suddenly having trouble breathing. She fumbled for a pillow, curling up around it and burying her face in it as she struggled against the unexpected panic attack. She was safe here, now. She didn’t have to constantly guard herself, to watch her back every moment of every day.
She was safe.
It had been so long since she’d truly been safe that she couldn’t accept it so easily, couldn’t relax her guard. Not with everything else that had happened. She wanted this trip to be over. To learn from the Council what would come of her, and move on.
Learn how to accept what had happened between her and Obi-Wan.
Still struggling to breathe, she closed her eyes and clutched the pillow harder, as the loss of him, of missing him, filled her chest so tightly she ached with it.
Where did she go from here?